Cullenmania 3: Sold Out
by s. du jour
Summary: Standalone story. When Bella's lullaby becomes a hit, Edward becomes a star. Bella is severely unimpressed by this, so of course Edward goes Emo. To keep the talent happy, Emmett (his self-appointed manager) does some crazy things, and the Cullens end up on tour. In sunny California. What's a sparkly vampire to do?
1. The Power of the Dazzle

**Hello there to all the new readers and especially to those who've been waiting for about six months for me to start posting this. Hope you like this :)**

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1. The Power of the Dazzle

"Edward!" Bella shrieked as she stormed into his room and slammed the door. The wooden cross that normally hung on the wall beside it dislodged and fell to the floor. Bella ignored it. Edward merely looked at it for a fraction of a second and then turned to his girlfriend. Something seemed… different… about her, but he couldn't quite figure out what it was.

"What's wrong, my love?"

His love's response was to slap him. Edward recoiled in shock.

"What's wrong is that _this_—" she thrust a thin plastic case at him "—exists!"

"But, Bella, I thought you wanted to encourage me…" Edward trailed off as he registered the glare she was giving him.

"Yes, but not _this_ way!" said Bella, taking one step forward, and tripping over the cross.

"Bella, are you okay?"

"I'm _fine_."

"Sure?" Edward reached out a friendly hand to help her up. Bella ignored it. "I _said_ I was fine!"

She stood up, and promptly fell down again. Edward grinned. "I know you're clumsy, love, but even this is beyond belief."

Bella emitted a strangled noise of frustration. "I am. _So._ _Mad._ How could you do this to me? It's like you don't even care what I might think about this!"

"I thought you'd like it, of all people," said Edward.

"Happy! Hearing _my_ lullaby on the radio, _remixed_, of all things!"

"Plenty of people like it—"

"Exactly! It's not my song anymore! It's everybody's song! And then I go out and find that _this_"—she flourished the plastic cd case in the air—"exists! People can just buy my song! Aren't you ashamed of yourself? You've totally sold out!"

Before Edward could reply, something else happened.

"Woah, woah, woah. Bella, back away from the talent—Edward, I'm going to get you outta here, really quickly. Just move, I've got your back."

Deprived of her wits for a moment, Bella quickly recovered. "Emmett, what—?" Unfortunately for her, she hadn't bargained on the sight of Emmett in a suit and earpiece (and, incongruously, a thick gold chain with a large dollar sign pendant) in all his glory.

"I'm here to protect the talent, baby. And that means_ him_ and not you." Emmett jerked a thumb at Edward, and then at Bella.

"Emmett, don't call me b—protect the talent?"

"Haven't you heard?" Emmett thumped Edward on the shoulder. "This baby's in demand. Now, Bella, I'm going to have to ask you to leave."

Bella just stood there and stared at him.

"Bella, did you hear me?" Emmett came closer and began herding her out of her boyfriend's room. Bella sighed impatiently, turned around to leave for herself, and promptly tripped over nothing.

Emmett started to laugh.

"Edward!" Lying indignantly on the floor, Bella opened and closed her mouth without saying anything for a few seconds, then managed to spit her words out. "Aren't you going to say something?"

Edward shrugged his shoulders and smiled a smile that, normally, would make Bella's heart melt. Now, however, it had less than no effect, if such a measurement were possible. "What do you want me to say? I think Emmett's got it pretty well in hand."

"_Why_ are you being so _mellow_ about this_?_" Bella asked in bewildered rage.

"Well, as my stylist, Alice has been giving me tips. She says I get too stressed about things. I need to be more confident, she says." True to Alice's advice, Edward picked up his favourite bucket hat from a nearby table, stuck his index finger inside it, and casually spun it round and round.

Bella got up from the floor and crossed her arms, narrowly missing punching the doorframe. She narrowed her eyes at the vampire she thought was Edward. "You're only just taking her advice now?"

"Uh, Bella?" said Emmett. "Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Emmett, I'm looking at Edward. Anyway, as I was saying _before_ I was interrupted, this has changed you!"

"Ah, you'll deal," said Emmett.

"It's a good thing, Bella," said Edward. "Trust me."

"Trust _you_? Huh."

"Well, it's kinda fun. You could be in my entourage, if you want..."

"Your _entourage?_ I don't _believe_ you!" Bella opened the door and stalked outside.

"Bella, it's just for fun—" Edward's placating had to be completed another time, because he'd just been interrupted by the sounds of Bella falling down the stairs.

"You know, that's really great!" said Emmett, as Edward rushed down to help Bella up from the stairs. "That'd make a great beat for your next song!"

"My next _song_?" said Edward, stopping in the middle of helping Bella to stare at Emmett and wonder about his callousness. "Bella just fell down the stairs!" He went back to lifting Bella back to solid ground.

"Exactly!" said Emmett, who had somehow entirely misinterpreted the question. "Only it's a bit too Bella-centric. Maybe we could call it 'I'm falling down the stairs (for your love)'. Although that's way too long... And it doesn't quite make sense..."

"Come on, what pop song does?" said Alice, poking her head out of her room.

"Are you okay, Bella?" said Edward gently as he seated Bella on the top step.

Bella pushed him away. "I'm fine."

"Come on, Bella, look at me," said Edward.

("Another great name for a song!" said Emmett.

"Sshh!" said Alice.)

"No," said Bella.

"Come on," said Edward, leaning his face in closer to her and doing his best to dazzle her.

"Fine," said Bella, and looked in his general direction, still scowling. It seemed the dazzle was powerless over Bella today.

That was when Edward realised what was different about her. "Bella?" he asked.

"Yes?" mumbled Bella, who'd turned her head away again.

"Why are you wearing glasses?"

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**Now is the time for action! Please review! :)**


	2. In Which Emmett Gives Edward Some Advice

**Sorry it's been so long. I had a four-month spell of hiding from the internet. But I'm back now. Thanks to Elphaba wannabe who gave me a kick in the butt. :)**

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2. In Which Emmett Gives Edward Some Advice.

"An excellent point," said Emmett, who'd only just noticed Bella's bespectacled face and was trying to pretend he'd seen it all along. "I've been wondering about that for ages now."

In answer to Edward's question, Alice said, "Oh, that's easy to explain."

"Well?" asked Edward.

"Alice thinks I'm clumsy because I need glasses," said Bella sulkily. "So she gave me some. And she's making me wear them."

"I don't think it's working," said Emmett, grinning.

Edward was inclined to agree with him. Far from helping Bella's problem, it only seemed to be making it worse. He raised his eyebrows at Alice, and turned his hat over and over in his fingers thoughtfully.

She said airily, "Oh, just give her time to adjust!"

"I'm never going to adjust, Alice!" Bella said. "Just get over it."

Evidently her temper wasn't going away any time soon.

"Bella! You can't speak to the talent's stylist like that!" said Emmett, outraged.

For Bella, this was what is commonly known as 'the final straw'. "I'll speak to her however I want! You're all talking to me as though I'm just the puny human who gets pushed around! Let me remind you, if it wasn't for me, that hit song wouldn't exist! So just get over yourselves!" And with much italics, extravagant arm gestures, and tripping over, Bella left the room in a huff.

She soon re-entered it, snatching Edward's hat from his hands. "And you can get rid of that _stupid_ hat!"

Bella left for good this time, as did the hat.

Edward was rather shaken, and for the first time, real emotion seemed to penetrate him. Up until now, he'd taken everything, including scoring a top ten hit, in his stride, seen it as a sort of joke. But _this_—oh, this cut him to the quick. "What's wrong with my hat?"

"Nothing, nothing," soothed Emmett, following the time-honoured principle of 'keeping the talent happy', which was an especially good principle to follow if you hoped to become executive producer of the talent's next record. Which Emmett did.

"Everything," said Alice shortly. When she saw Edward's face, she became a little more sympathetic. "I didn't want to say, Edward, but, well—your hat doesn't really match the rest of the style I've designed for you. You... I know this is going to be hard, but you really need to leave that hat where it is. As in, off your head. This could damage your image."

"What?" asked Edward, bewildered. "Can't you just design an outfit around my hat?"

Alice tactfully didn't mention that this would involve copious amounts of checked flannel, denim, and, for accessories, several fishing rods. Possibly even one of those head slings that held a bottle of beer on each side and two straws coming to the mouth. It was that kind of hat: good for walks in the forest, great for fishing, but when it came to style...

Instead she said, "I'm afraid it's not possible, Edward. And besides—think about it. Bella doesn't really like it. At least this way you can try and get back in your girlfriend's good books."

"That does it," announced Edward. "You're right. Bella doesn't love me now, because of her lullaby, and me being famous." He stared into space glumly.

"Exactly," agreed Emmett, patting Edward's shoulder. "You're absolutely right, Edward. She's just jealous of your success. But, you know, bro, haters gonna hate. You gotta move on, man. She's gonna drag you down—hey..." He repeated what he'd just said, this time to a slow handclap. Halfway through, he added a stamp, and a couple of finger-clicks. "I'm likin' this urban beat!" he said, and walked off, clapping, stamping, clicking, and murmuring what was going to be Edward's new song.

Alice watched him go with slight concern. She wasn't sure the world was ready for an urban Emmett, and wished Jasper was here to stop him. However, right now, Jasper was away on so-called business with J. Jenks, and she had a feeling that without him, everything in the Cullen household was going to spiral out of control.

Due to her precognitive abilities, Alice's 'feelings' were more than usually accurate.

Edward, meanwhile, had entirely ignored every single thing Emmett had said. Instead, he was still staring into space. "Alice," he said quietly.

"Yes?"

"She hates my hat, too. I never knew that about her until now. Well, Alice, _I am going to make her like my hat._"

His voice was full of steely determination. Needless to say, this got Alice a little worried. "Are you sure that's wise?"

"Only then can we be together," said Edward.

"Edward, really—"

"No, Alice. No. This is something I have to do. And I've got to do it myself."

And with a resolute face, and head held high, Edward Cullen walked out of his room, ready to make his girlfriend fall in love with his hat.

Alice watched him go with rather more concern than she did Emmett, shaking her head slowly.

With a less resolute face, and head held quite low, Edward Cullen slunk back into the room.

"Alice, how am I going to do it?"


	3. The Basement is the Place to Be

3_The Basement Is The Place To Be

Down in the basement, Emmett's song, working title: _Jealous_, was coming along quite nicely. Although it was completely different from anything Edward had released before (his second hit was a rock remix of _Clair de Lune, _and his third, a remix of Esme's favourite composition), he was sure it was going to be a hit.

As long as his brother could sing. And even if he couldn't, there was always autotune, right?

Autotune was what Emmett was currently using, as he wasn't the world's best singer. He now had a system going: belt out the words at the top of his lungs, then fix it up.

It was a time consuming process—but then, that was what being a vampire was all about. You had the time, thought Emmett, nodding his head along to the beat.

He, as the producer, songwriter, music engineer, _and_ bodyguard, had to keep the talent happy.

He was quite sure this song was going to keep the talent happy.

Somebody stood at the doorway, waiting for him, but Emmett hardly noticed.

Rosalie spun his chair around to face her, leant over him and kissed him. Emmett definitely noticed her then.

"Hey, Rose," he said.

"Emmett, you've been here for three days. I haven't seen you at all. I... well, I'm kind of missing you by now."

"Three _days_!" Emmett shot out of his chair and rubbed his eyes. "You're joking!"

"Sadly, no. I would've visited you before, but I didn't want to interrupt you."

"So why are you interrupting me _now_?" Emmett all but whined.

Rose's reply was short and to the point. "Now, it's just gotten ridiculous. Come upstairs."

What she didn't mention was that by now she'd gotten heartily sick of Emmett caterwauling into a microphone. The howls echoed through the house terribly.

"Aw, but Rose—" Emmett gestured to the computer and the still-pounding beat.

Before he knew what had happened, Rosalie Hale had dragged him up the stairs and out of the door, barring the way back into the basement with her own body.

Emmett slowly looked her up and down. "I like this game."

Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"Oh, is that not what you wanted?"

"Jeez, Emmett, I just wanted to spend some time with you! And if Edward's working you too hard for you to have time for anything else, I'm going to give him a piece of my mind!"

She stomped away from him, yelled for Edward loudly and angrily, and began searching all the rooms on the ground floor for him.

Emmett ran after her, trying to stop her from making a fuss—in a temper like that, she definitely wasn't going to make the talent happy. This could reflect badly on him.

At least part of Rose's plan had worked—after all, Emmett definitely wasn't in the basement now. However, since his location had really only changed to the doghouse, it wasn't such a great trade off, for him, at least.

On the second floor, Alice intercepted Emmett. "How's the song going?" she asked, as Rosalie searched the last room on the floor.

Emmett, worried stiff that she was going to find Edward, could barely concentrate on Alice, and didn't notice that she had a similar expression on her face. "Wh-wha-what?"

"How's the song going," she said, as Rosalie stormed past them and up the steps to the third storey, where Edward's room was, and therefore where Edward was most likely to be.

"Oh. Uh. Not bad, not bad," said Emmett, barely aware of his sister.

"Could I listen to it now?" Alice pressed.

"Sure," said Emmett, although it was half-finished. Anything to get Alice away from

That was what Alice had been counting on. "Thanks!" she said, and bolted down the stairs, dived into the basement, and shut the door.

Emmett would have stared after her, wondering what was going on, only he didn't have the time. He had to catch up with Rosalie—who was now making tracks toward Edward's bedroom, the very last door on the top floor.

There was a very simple explanation for Alice's behaviour, and it all started with her answer to the question of making Bella like, or at least tolerate, Edward's hat. Her not-so-tactful reply to Edward's question had been: "Edward, I don't think _anything's_ going to make her like a hat like that."

As a consequence, Edward had been defiantly wearing the very same hat and skulking in his room for as long as he felt like it.

Like Emmett, Edward had just crossed the third-day mark in hiding away from the world. Unlike Emmett, he was sulking and refused to be consoled by Alice. By now, Alice had finally had enough of him, and as she could see what was coming next, had decided that the best thing to do would be to just leave the scene. Hence her dive into the basement.

Also like Emmett, Edward was about to be interrupted by Rosalie.

Unlike Emmett, he wasn't married to her, and so her interruption was just that bit more unwelcome.

The door to his room flew open. "Edward!" Rosalie said menacingly, hands balled into fists at her side.

Edward looked up, his face miserable.

Before his wife could get any further and wreck his career plans, Emmett for once in his life thought quickly. "Ya wanna go on tour?"

Rosalie shot a glare at him.

Edward smiled tentatively.

Jasper didn't do anything, as he still wasn't there.

Down in the basement, Alice breathed a sigh of relief.

It was quickly followed by a gasp of dismay, and a decision not to have anything to do with the forthcoming tour.

The vision she had immediately got worse.

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**Um, by the way, this is the final story in the Cullenmania series. I know I mentioned that at the end of House of Fun, but I didn't say anything about it in the first chapter of this story. So yeah, just to let you guys know. Hope you're liking it so far!**


	4. When Mops Attack

**So I just finished writing this story half an hour ago. (By my calculations it's taken me since February of 2010 to finish writing this, so I'm now in a victorious and generous mood.) There is therefore no excuse for me to not keep posting a new chapter every Monday. If I do forget, which I probably will, give me a kick in the pants, would you?**

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4. When Mops Attack

Unfortunately for Alice, everybody apart from Rosalie had taken the idea of a tour on board, and the plans were going full steam ahead. Alice sighed. She would have to be there to limit the damage she could foresee. Oh well, as long as she had to come on the tour, she might as well have fun with it. For one thing, everyone was going to need costumes.

After about three days, Alice began to get quite enthusiastic about the whole thing, and managed to ignore the concerns that were niggling at her. She'd fix 'em when they came. In the meantime, there was no need to mope.

Even Bella made appearances at the house, though when she came she was always rather sulky. Still, she didn't want to be left out of anything this big, even if she _was_ annoyed at half of the Cullens, not to mention being clumsier than ever.

Edward was gradually coming around to the idea of the tour—after all, though he'd die before he admitted it (which was physically impossible), it had started to get pretty boring being all alone in his own room for three days solid.

He still wore the hat at every opportunity, as he felt it important to assert himself somehow. Rather than attempting to make Bella like it, Edward now saw it as rather more of a statement. A statement which, in time, should make sense to Bella, too.

He was a little hazy on how precisely this was going to work, but if nothing else, it would simply wear down her resistance. He was also doing his best to get back at her for her insensitivity towards his hat by being as casually arrogant about his fame as possible. It was working.

Every time she saw the hat, and the smug expression underneath it, Bella felt like throttling its wearer. On the fourth day of her return to the Cullen house, she became desperate enough to actually attempt it.

She had been reading a book at the back of the house, outside. Edward rounded the corner, sparkling softly in the partial sunlight. And he was wearing the hat. "Hello, Bella," he said, playing whimsically with its floppy edges. Emmett had told him that a whimsical approach could work well as an on-stage persona, and Edward was practising for it.

That simple act of artificial whimsy was the final straw for Bella. She lunged for her boyfriend, stretching her hands out, ready to go for his neck.

Edward caught her hands in his before they could even make it to his shoulders. "Bella, Bella, Bella," he said. "Calm down. You'll only hurt yourself."

This only made Bella angrier, and with a frenzied grunt, she whipped her hands from Edward's. But her glasses, far from helping her vision, only impeded it, and she ended up misjudging the strength with which Edward held her. The result was two sprained wrists, and a rather shocked and contrite Edward.

It was immediately after this episode that Esme and Carlisle, who hadn't interfered in any way until now, thought about becoming more involved with Edward's career.

As he was bandaging Bella's second wrist, Carlisle said to Edward, who was standing and looking on with Esme, "Edward, when we're finished here, I'd like you to come into my study with Esme and I."

Bella winced. No doubt it was going to be about _how did this happen, and had Edward done this deliberately?_ The answer to the latter question would be 'no', and Bella had no desire to have her clumsiness revealed once again as the driving force behind her accidents.

"What for?" Edward asked Carlisle, then, having seen Bella cringe, said, "There, there, Bella, does it hurt?"

Bella only glared at him.

Observing this, Carlisle said to Edward, "I'll tell you later." He pinned down the final length of the bandage with a flourish.

Bella smiled at Edward, who was a little taken aback at this sudden change in mood until she said, "Thank you, Carlisle." Then she looked to Carlisle, tossed her head, and stomped off in a huff.

Esme said, "Edward, we wanted to talk to you about being responsible with your fame."

Edward looked from one adult to the other. "And?" he said.

"Well," said Carlisle, "I know what you're doing. You need to stop trying to annoy Bella. You know that that hat is making her angry, and you know that she doesn't like the way you've used her song to become famous. If you love her, you should be nicer. And I shouldn't have to tell you this"

"I see your point," said Edward. "If that's all, then I have to go see Emmett about the finishing touches to the song he wrote for me."

Esme said, "Just be nicer to her, okay, Edward?"

Edward left the room without replying.

Esme sighed, and said to Carlisle, "Well, we can't exactly force him to be nice."

"Can't we?" said Carlisle idly.

"_No_," said Esme.

Three seconds later, there was a _thud_ and a clattering sound.

Carlisle sighed. "That's probably Bella." He held a hand to his head.

"I'll go," said Esme. She went.

She found Bella on the second floor landing, in the middle of arguing with a mop that was no longer resting against the hallway mirror.

"Okay, so I said I was sorry! Aren't you going to say anything? Or are you just going to stay mad at me?"

Esme stifled a snicker. The sight of Bella, bandaged hands on hips, yelling at a cleaning tool, was extremely funny.

On the other side of the staircase, Alice appeared.

"And don't laugh at my hands! I can't help you up. Aren't you going to get up? Oh, so you're just going to lie there and stop me from going past you? I see how it is."

The mop said nothing in its own defence.

"Oh, _typical_," said Bella, and crossed her arms (rather gingerly of course).

"Bella, you're talking to Carlisle's mop," said Alice.

Bella looked up and around. "What?"

Esme said, "Bella, can you see with those glasses on?"

"Yes," said Bella defiantly. Whether or not she could see, she wasn't in the mood to be embarrassed again.

"No, you can't," said Esme.

"You're right," said Bella. "It's all Alice's fault," she said, pointing to Esme.

"I see your point," said Esme. "Alice, why is it your fault?"

"And look at me," Bella continued before Alice could say a thing. She turned to the mirror on the wall. "These glasses make me look _hideous_."

"Oh, that's just Emmett's joke shop mirror," Alice said airily.*

Esme said, "No, it's not."

"In that case, I think I gave her the wrong prescription," said Alice thoughtfully. She grabbed the glasses from Bella and left. "Don't go anywhere, I'll be right back!" she called over her shoulder.

Bella blinked several times and looked down at the mop on the floor. "Maybe that'll be the end of the glasses," she said, once Alice had slammed the back door. "What's this mop doing here, anyway?" she continued, trying to use her forearms to set the mop upright against the wall again.

"There's still a little ash and gunpowder residue around the place since that explosion last week," Esme told her, taking the mop from her and setting it back against the mirror. "Carlisle's been in a mania to try and get the house back to normal ever since."**

Bella smiled, then looked back at the mop. She said, embarrassed, "I feel really silly now."

"I'm not surprised," said Esme dryly.

***See Cullenmania 2: House of Fun**

****See Cullenmania 2: House of Fun. Again.**


	5. The Vampire's Lament

5_The Vampire's Lament

For the past few days, all Edward and Emmett had done was, with Alice's help, concentrate on various costume designs. In all the discussion of Edward's 'signature look' (which had so far produced two ideas: one of a very pale colour scheme to match his skin, which Edward didn't like, and one with an all-floppy look to match his hat, which Alice and Bella were set on the world never seeing), his set list and work on new songs had completely fallen by the wayside. Emmett hadn't worked on his song in days.

Edward brought the subject up. "How's _Jealous_ going, Emmett?"

"I've got a few things to work on, but the demo's mostly done."

"Just remember: it has to fit in with my other singles. Classical, but with a rock edge. Floaty, but with some crunch. And a steady beat."

"Oh, sure, sure," said Emmett vaguely but enthusiastically. "It's got a beat. Do you want to listen?"

"No, no. I'll wait until the finished product," said Edward. "Otherwise I might not be able to creatively interpret it properly."

Emmett, who had no idea what Edward had just said (Edward himself was a little hazy on that point), said, "A wise decision."

As always, keeping the talent happy came first. He wanted to roll his eyes, though. Artists! Prima donnas!

Meanwhile, Alice found Bella sitting outside again, still reading a book. Since being given the first pair of glasses, she'd only gotten through two pages of it, and since having them taken away again, even with the problem of one sprained wrist (the other turned out to have only been jarred, and healed quickly), she'd gotten on like a house on fire. Page 206, and counting.

Of course, Alice arrived, and, without even a hello greeting, jammed a new pair of specs on Bella's nose.

"Ow!" Bella complained. The nosepieces were digging into her skin, and the words on the page went fuzzy again, though a little less extremely than last time. She tried to slap Alice away, and missed spectacularly, almost falling out of her chair. (Emmett, who'd looked out of the window at that moment, laughed.)

"There," said Alice, satisfied. "You'll be able to see now. No more wrist spraining."

"I could see _before_," said Bella, annoyed, whipping off the glasses with her free hand and simultaneously knocking her book off her lap.

"No, Bella," said Alice patiently. "Trust me. You're just used to seeing badly..."

She broke off and began to cry. To Bella, who couldn't see anything wrong with her, it all looked very odd, especially since Alice, being a vampire, shed no tears.

Bella said, "Alice, what's happening?"

"I don't know," Alice sobbed. "Anyway, you just n-n-need to get used to th-the ones you ha-a-ave..."

Esme, alerted by the sounds of crying, came outside. Edward, who was still trying to figure out what he'd just said, saw her leave and figured that whatever she was looking for, it would be a welcome break from trying to think.

Emmett followed just for fun.

As soon as they were outside, each vampire began to behave in exactly the same fashion as Alice.

Bella was extremely confused. "Are you guys okay?"

"I d-don't know," sobbed Emmett.

Bella tried to hold back a giggle. The sight of tall, macho Emmett attempting to shed a tear had to be seen to be believed, to say the least.

That was when Jasper rounded the house. He moved with a heavy tread and a solemn face, which explained why everyone except Bella, who wasn't always very susceptible to Jasper's moods*, was so unreasonably upset. "Not that you've all wondered where I've been, but I finished with J. the first day. He said he was taking a holiday to California. I've always wanted to go to California. And I can't," he announced glumly. He made his way to the door.

Alice said, "Jasper, are you sure that's—"

"I know, I know. I sparkle. I can't go into the sun. You know, I tried cutting my wrists, I tried ending it all, but it didn't work."

"Jasper!" Esme gasped, which combined with her sobs, resulted in a kind of choked hiccp. "Really!"

"Everything broke instead of my wrists," Jasper continued. "I knew you'd be shocked. I can never do anything right. I'm going to bed."

All this talk of unbroken wrists wasn't helping Bella's mood. "Jasper, you don't have a bed. You don't sleep."

"He still has one," said Alice, trying to grin knowingly through her tears. She was grotesquely unsuccessful.

"Alice, you're disgusting," said Edward.

"Whatever," said Jasper in a hollow voice. "I don't care."

And he walked into the house and upstairs, taking with him the extremely sad feeling.

A minute later, a loud wail emanated from Carlisle's study, echoed by one coming from Rosalie and Emmett's bedroom.

The following few days were rather miserable for everyone, especially since Bella's sprained wrist had a certain effect: pain, and an increased susceptibility to Jasper's emotional manipulation. She spent most of her time in a corner with Jasper, each exacerbating the other's sorrow and misery, and composing eloquent poems on sadness, which they recited dolefully whenever anybody came near them.

The Cullen house was no longer a place of happiness. Instead, a thick cloud of despair had settled upon it.

"This can't go on!" said Carlisle with a sniff to the rest of his sobbing family. "It's insufferable!"

"It passed insufferable two days ago," muttered Rosalie, head in hands.

"I agree," wailed Esme.

"We gotta do something," nodded Emmett, his lower lip trembling. "Why's he so sad again?"  
"California," said Edward.

Alice said, without thinking, "Why don't we go there?"

"California? Are you mad?" said Rosalie, slightly choked up. "It's too sunny! We'd sparkle. You can't say nobody'd be suspicious of us."

"Very true," sobbed Carlisle. "I don't know why you even suggested it, Alice. It's not to be."

Alice had a brainwave. "No, but it _could_ be..."

Everybody looked at her.

"So how are we gonna fix the sunlight thing?" said Emmett dolefully. It seemed a hopeless case to him.

For the first time in days, Alice grinned (and it was just as bad as the last time she'd tried it). "Oh, you're going to love this..."

***See Cullenmania 1: Mythical Madness.**


	6. Some Light Relief

6_ Some Light Relief

But Alice wasn't going to reveal anything just yet. First she locked herself away in her room for three hours.

Then, when she'd assembled everyone outside of the house, including Jasper and Bella, she presented her idea.

"Every good artist needs a trademark," said Alice to the group before her, still a little tearfully (Jasper's fault).

"I have one," said Edward immediately. "My hat."

"Well—another one," said Alice, who wasn't going to stop her flow to argue with her brother. "Something nobody else can copy."  
"Which is?" asked Carlisle.

"Wait right there," said Alice, and ran inside. When she came back out, she was covered in golden sequins and glitter. `She stepped into the sun and turned into the general equivalent of a disco ball.

Everyone stared at her, except for Bella, who was overwhelmed by too much light to focus. Blinded, she stumbled backwards and tripped over her own feet. It seemed that nothing was ever going to get rid of her clumsiness.

She landed on her backside. Emmett, being Emmett, laughed. Bella glared at him, though she was at the same time rather relieved—because the glasses had been in her back pocket, and were now no more. The shards in her pocket made getting up a little tricky, however. Once she'd managed it (with a little help from Esme), she left at a run.

While Edward's trademark was important to some people, Bella's priorities were in a slightly different order. First and foremost on the list were things like changing her pants before anything sharp pierced her skin.

A little annoyed about having her thunder stolen, Alice said, "So? What do you think?"

The happiness that was gradually infusing the entire group told everyone what Jasper was thinking.

"Great!" said Emmett, who was already wondering what he could get up to in California.

Carlisle nodded without saying anything.

Esme lied through her teeth. "You look very nice, Alice."

"Thanks!"

When Edward didn't say anything, Alice added: "Don't you see? This way, we can go on tour to California! If you sparkle on tour, it's a _trademark_, not a giveaway that we're vampires! Adding a sparkly outfit makes it even more convincing!"

"Great," said Edward. "Will Bella speak to me again if I tell her we're going to California?"

Alice said, "Yes. With reservations."

"What kind of reservations?"

Rosalie sighed. "Edward, you may not have noticed, but you _did_ release her personal song to the airwaves of the nation, and even beyond. You've got a ways to go to fix that."

"Oh. Right, I knew that. Well, I'll find a way to make it up with her."

"Bet you can't," said Emmett.

"I can, and I will!" said Edward. He left before Emmett could argue further. So instead, Emmett said, "Five bucks on Bella throwing something at him?"

As Alice expected, Bella received the news of the California tour rather ambivalently. "Um, great. California."

"You like it, right?"

"Yeah, I do, but... you're going to play my song, though, aren't you?" Bella said.

"Every time I play it, I'll re-dedicate it to you."

Bella hesitated. Sensing his advantage, Edward pressed on. "I'll be playing in front of a lot of people, but the whole time I'll only be playing for you."

"Really?"

"Really. That's why I released the song in the first place. So that everyone would know how much I love you."

With these rather mushy sentiments, Bella was won over. She hugged him as tightly as she could. "I'm sorry for getting so mad," she said into his shirt.

"I'm sorry for not asking first." Edward said into her hair. He smiled: having her back on his side, and especially this muffled exchange of apologies, took a weight off his shoulders. However, since every single Cullen was pressed up against the door trying to hear every single thing he said, his relief was far from complete.

Reading their inquisitive thoughts (and the thoughts of high stakes—Emmett's wager had somehow made its way up to fifty dollars), he sighed. As he'd often remarked, there was no privacy in this house. At least they didn't know _everything_ about him. Emmett in particular would have been extremely disgusted to know that out of everything he'd said to Bella just now, Edward had meant every single word.

"By the way," Bella added, as Edward was about to leave. "I'll stop complaining about your hat."

"Really?"

"Yes. I really don't like it, but I suppose it's your choice."

Edward grinned. "Thank you. Just for that, I'll dedicate my new song to you, too."

"Oh, really, Edward?" Bella breathed.

It was some time before either of them left the room.

Outside, Esme turned to Emmett and said, gently but firmly: "Pay up."


	7. Fangirls

**So my update lapses are getting _ridiculous_. I don't really write much fanfiction anymore, so I don't hang around here much, and I keep forgetting to put these up. So I'm just going to upload the rest of the chapters right now and be done with it. Thanks for reading!**

* * *

7_Fangirls

"Hey, Edward, check this out," said Emmett, walking through the doors of Edward's luxury California suite. Although the whole point of the tour was to allow the vampires to experience sunny California, poor Edward was confined to his room. Somehow, as the media worked its mysterious magic (and possibly Emmett was responsible for a few of those leaks), he'd become the latest teen heartthrob, albeit one who played piano rather than pop music—and he had the obsessive fans to prove it. All this meant that he couldn't go outside his own hotel.

Jasper, on the other hand, was living it up on the beaches as much as possible. The mysterious sparkle effect had taken the world by storm, and everywhere one looked, there were people glittering in the sun when. Jasper, and indeed all the Cullens except for Edward, were luminous, inconspicuous, and loving it. (Carlisle and Esme were not included in the tour, as Edward had given them an all-expenses paid trip to France—mostly to keep them from lecturing him about his behaviour whilst on tour.)

"Yes, Emmett, what is it?" Edward said, without looking up.

"No, man, you gotta see this."

Edward looked up, and couldn't help but smile. "What did you do to my hat?"

"I modified it a little... D'you like it?"

"Thanks, Emmett. It's great." Despite his words, Edward sighed. "I don't know what Bella will say, though."

"But you know, bro, haters gonna hate."

Edward grinned. "I suppose you're right."

"Anyway, Ed, we've got—"

"You _know_ I'd rather you didn't call me Ed."

"_Edward_. Showtime in two hours. Our ride's here."

"Right." Edward made for the door, but before he could get very far, Emmett pulled him back. "Woah, there, Edward. Don't forget your hat."

Wordlessly, Edward took his newly customised hat from Emmett's hand, put it on, and opened the door.

The squeals were so deafeningly loud that he shut it again immediately. "Emmett, are you sure this is wise?"

Emmett punched him on the shoulder. "Yeah, go on, bro. It's your fifteen minutes of fame. Go and do us proud."

Taking a deep though technically unneeded breath, Edward squared his shoulders and walked out into the hallway. Emmett was close behind.

Being what they were, vampiric eardrums were unbreakable. For this, Edward was profoundly grateful. A wave of noise enveloped the two vampires; shouts of "We love you, Edward!" and squeals from girls who couldn't have been more than fourteen followed him all the way to the limousine.

When they were finally safely inside the limo (no thanks to a girl wearing a Mrs Cullen shirt who had grabbed and held onto him for dear life), Emmett snickered. "That's some fanbase you've got there, bro."

Edward rolled his eyes. "I didn't ask for it."

"Sure you didn't. Anyway. Guess who's your head of security for the tour."

Being telepathic, Edward didn't need to guess. "The same person who's my head of everything."

"Exactly!"

Edward shook his head. Emmett's enthusiasm about everything to do with his music career was baffling at best to a vampire who was just doing it because a romantic gesture had turned into something rather bigger.

"I have to say, Emmett, you haven't done such a great job, so far."

Emmett grinned. "I thought it'd be funny to see how you made it alone. Not so great as it turns out. Wait till Bella hears about that Mrs Cullen chick."

Edward blanched. "Emmett, you're not telling Bella about her." Just as he'd made it up with his girlfriend, it looked like it would all be in jeopardy again; not to mention, having somebody declare that they were married to you was rather embarrassing. Especially when it wasn't true.

"Why not?" Emmett said. "She has a right to know..."

"_Emmett_!"

Emmett finally realised that his brother was serious, and that the talent was most definitely _not_ happy right now. He relented.

"Okay, okay. Chill out. Fame hasn't made you any more relaxed."

"Why would it?" Edward replied acidly. All he'd wanted to do was play his songs. He hadn't bargained on a psychotic fanbase that might threaten his personal relationships... And Bella could be so unreasonable sometimes...

Emmett was saved from having to answer by their arrival at the concert venue.

As they got out of the limo, Edward noticed Bella hanging at the door, looking bored and a little put out. She barely even registered his new and improved hat.

"What's wrong, love?" he asked her. "Am I late?"

"No," Bella sighed exasperatedly. "He—" she jerked her thumb at the security guard by the door— "won't let me in. Because I don't sparkle. Like the rest of your entourage does. Yet another reason you should have changed me."

"I—"

"_And_," she continued pointedly, "I don't have a backstage pass."

"Oh," said Edward, feeling guilty. He'd forgotten about that little detail. The sooner this was sorted out, the better. After all, Bella was the reason that the concert existed. He walked up to the security guard. "Excuse me," he said politely. "But you haven't let my girlfriend through to backstage. Shouldn't you have some kind of list?"

"Sorry, Mr Cullen; I didn't recognise her. Doesn't your girlfriend have glasses?"

A 'hmph' came from Bella's direction.

"No," said Edward, cursing the day that Alice had thought putting glasses on Bella was a good idea.

"Oh. Well, I apologise, sir, she can take mine."

"Your glasses?  
"No, my pass. Everyone here knows me."

By this time, the addition of a backstage pass to her belongings couldn't do much to improve Bella's mood, especially since her wrist was still a little tender.

"By the way, Edward," she said, sarcastically, "Did you realise that your hat's sort of... I don't know, _sparkling_—and I'm not?"

Edward didn't know what to say.

"Because if your hat gets to sparkle and I don't, I think there could be a problem with your priorities."

Edward, caught between a rock and a hard place, and not about to deny the special place either held in his heart, said the only thing he could say.

"I'm dedicating my new song to _you_, Bella. Not my hat."

All things considered, this had not been a very good move on Edward's part. This finally dawned on him as Alice, having seen the calamity in store, swooped down and ushered him away from Bella before he could do any more damage. She was going to have to fix this herself.

Somehow...


	8. The Concert

**I had so much fun writing this scene. Hope anyone who's still reading likes it, too.**

**Anyway, I'll stop rambling and get on with it.**

* * *

8_ The Concert or In Which Several Things Happen At Once

"Hey Bella," said Alice as they stood in the wings, watching the late stages of the concert. For some reason, it had been rather cloudy today, and the sparkle decorations on the stage weren't shown off to their full effect. She was rather disappointed—but there was no time for that now. Time was of the essence; Bella had to be distracted before Edward's new song, _Jealous, _was played.

Bella shushed her. Edward was currently performing the rock version of her lullaby, and she wanted to listen. Since he'd told her his reasons for releasing it, she'd almost come to like this version—though to her, nothing could top the original piece.

"But Bella—"

"Shush!"

Alice sighed, and resorted to more drastic and traditional methods of getting her own way: forcing Bella to do what she wanted.

As soon as the lullaby ended, and Edward began to announce the dedication to his new song, she jumped into action, thrusting a new pair of glasses at Bella and telling her, "Put 'em on." By now she'd realised that Bella's inherent clumsiness wasn't due to her need for eyesight adjustment, but it seemed the most effective way of distracting her for five minutes or so.

Bella would have argued, but Edward was finally introducing his new song, _Jealous_, as a finale piece, and, she wanted to listen to it. If the price she had to pay for it was blurred vision—well, at least her ears would still be in good working order. So she sighed and put them on.

Alice, whose visions couldn't keep up with every single move she made, hadn't planned on Bella giving in so easily, and was rather at a loss.

It was too late now—Edward had quite clearly mentioned Bella's name in conjunction with the song, and now the opening notes were playing.

Bella opened her eyes wide at the sound of them—they could not have been less like a piano. Edward (and it could only be Edward who played like that), was using a synthesiser.

Questions aside about why he was trying to bring back the eighties, the bigger question made itself clear as soon as Edward began to sing:

_I've made it to the top_  
_And my girl don't like my lot, oh_  
_She jealous, oh, oh, she jealous_

_I'm livin' Easy Street_  
_But she's given up on me, oh_  
_She jealous, oh, oh, she jealous_

_She jealous (oh...)_

_And all my friends, they sayin':_  
_But, you know, bro, haters gonna hate._  
_You gotta move on, she gon' drag you down, hey!_  
_Yeah, you know, bro, haters gonna hate._  
_You gotta move on, she gon' drag you down, hey!_

At first Bella wondered why Edward was singing a more Emmett-style song than an Edward-style one; then it really hit her: was this song about _her_? Was Edward trying to break up with her?

He couldn't really think she was _jealous_ of his career even though she hated it; he knew her better than that—it had to be the strain of dating a girl who didn't sparkle. She thought back to the beginning of their relationship.

Yes, that had to be it.

Well, there was an easy solution to that. And before this song made it any further, Bella was going to set the wheels in motion for that to happen.

At the same moment as Bella stumbled onto the stage to stop her boyfriend from singing any further, the sun came out, people began to boo the new song, and all hell broke loose.

Blinded and dazzled by the blurred view of a million sunny sparkles on the stage, on the performers, and on the fans, a disorientated Bella wandered around the stage, came right to the edge, and quietly fell off, too suddenly for Edward (who was concentrating on the song), or Alice (who couldn't predict her crazed zig-zags) to catch her.

Edward looked up just as his girlfriend disappeared from view.

"Bella! No!" he shouted, and leapt toward the edge of the stage a little too quickly. Realising that he had to slow down before anybody became suspicious, he ran as fast as humanly possible in the direction of thoughts that meant somebody had picked her up.

He came face-to-face with a man dressed exactly like him, hairstyle and all.

Seeing this, Alice, gasped. Somebody had leaked the fashion designs—probably Emmett. Again. Wait until she caught him!

To Bella, who was already half-blind, there was no difference between her mysterious rescuer and Edward himself—only the vague idea that Edward might have somehow acquired body heat and more malleable flesh. All the squeals that were currently in the air around her at the real Edward's approach could only convince her that she was, indeed, in the arms of her love.

"Edward—what—what happened?" she asked him. "Why do you feel like a human?"

"What?" said a voice that most definitely wasn't Edward's. But Bella couldn't care about that right now. Right now, she had to fix things for good.

She reached up and caught his head. She pulled his ear to her mouth. "Change me," she breathed into his ear.

"What?" said the voice again. Annoyed that somebody was trying to interrupt a warm and intimate moment, Bella looked around, annoyed.

She stared straight into the face of the real Edward, who pulled her out of Fake Edward's arms and said, "Bella, are you okay?"

Confused, blinded, blurry, and suddenly exhausted, Bella felt faint.

The only sound that pierced her consciousness as the world swirled around her was the voice of the strange new Edward, who said in the distance, "You gotta take better care of your girlfriend, man. She's messed up."

* * *

**In case this confuses anyone, the lyrics to the song Edward sings and Emmett wrote are completely mine. Not a real song. The impact on the story probably would've worked better if this was a screenplay or something-then you could actually _hear_ it. But whatever.**

**See you in the epilogue, kids.**


	9. Epilogue

9_ Epilogue

_One week later..._

"Dude, I think you lost your fans," Emmett said, popping his head into Edward's room, where he had been reading.

Edward looked up from his book. "Oh, come now, Emmett, don't be so superficial. People aren't going to stop liking my music just because of a silly accident during the concert." This despite having to leave California for Forks as quickly as possible.

"Uh, think again, bro." And a newspaper was shoved into Edward's face. It seemed that with the demise of Edward's career, keeping the talent happy was no longer an objective for Emmett.

"What?"

"Well, you didn't make the front page, but you made entertainment headlines!" A well-known tabloid joined the newspaper.

"Emmett, don't be ridic—"

A third media piece joined the previous two and promptly arrested, charged, and hanged any doubt still within Edward's mind.

Edward took the lot and skimmed them. "A fiasco—blinded fans—I didn't know about that—a new and completely superficial song untrue to his origins—_dorky hat photos leaked!_"

Emmett grinned, unflappable as always.

"_Dorky?_"

Rosalie, who had just walked in, hid a smile.

"You haven't seen the best part yet."

"_Drug_ allegations because of Bella's behaviour? 'An eyewitness tells all'?" Edward read, astounded. "Charlie's going to hit the roof because of this. He'll ban me from coming anywhere near her."

"Come on, Edward, you know you don't do anything different when she _is_ grounded, anyway."

"That's not the point," said Edward, and was promptly interrupted by Bella, who stormed into the room and said, "Edward, _tell _her I don't need glasses anymore_!_"

She was followed by Alice, who mouthed at him, _Just play along._

"Uh, Alice, Bella doesn't need glasses anymore."

"Oh. Okay. I'll have those back then, Bella."

Completely bemused by Alice's quick capitulation, Bella put the glasses into her outstretched hand.

"Thank you," Alice said.

"S'alright," Bella said, quietly triumphant.

She would never know.

"Bella, how are you feeling?" Edward said, quickly removing from sight the tabloid that accused his girlfriend of drug addiction.

"Good," she said. "Better. I didn't like being on tour."

"I'm glad it's over, too" said Edward.  
"Yeah, all those fans and their thoughts about you must've made you a bit uncomfortable," said Emmett.

Edward, who had to deal with those thoughts about himself and his entire family on a daily basis anyway, said nothing.

"Especially that Mrs Cullen chick," Emmett was about to say, and then saw the glare Edward was giving him. He said it anyway.

Edward sighed, but couldn't really complain, especially since Emmett had said it too fast and too low for Bella to hear.

"Anyway, if all that hadn't happened, I'd probably have given it up anyway," he said.

"What? Why?" said Alice.

"Well, if they're going to make fun of my hat, I don't need fame. I'd rather choose my clothes without people making fun of them."

"You _would_ say that," said Rosalie, and she and Alice smirked.

"Oh, stop it, you two," said Edward.

Taken aback at the idea of Edward with a backbone, they stopped.

-.-.-

Soon after, Edward got up and left. Alice, who could see where he was going, followed him.

The two knocked on the door of Jasper's room. It swung open, moving a blast of happiness towards them.

Jasper greeted them. "California was awesome!" he said. "Thanks so much, guys."

"Anything for you," said Alice.

"Also, guess what?" he said. "Turns out Edward's not the only one with musical talent. I've been singing along with him all week, and guess what? I can sing pretty well, myself!"

He began to hum, "_You gotta move on, she's gonna drag you down, hey—yeah, you know, bro..._"

"No," Alice said, shaking her head. "Just no."

She and Edward left the room very quickly, leaving Jasper with a grin that couldn't quite be erased from his face.

All he said was, "Haters gonna hate."

-.-.-

"You know, Edward," said Bella, as they sat outside the Cullen house and watched the sun set, "I'm so much happier like this. It's less complicated."

Edward adjusted his hat and put his arm around her. "I know what you mean, love."

"Mmm. I hated being on tour."

"Did I tell you I got a cease and desist letter from the Volturi yesterday?"

Bella sat up. "No, you didn't."

"It seems they've been annoyed with me for a month, for turning sparkling into some kind of American pop fashion trend and disgracing vampires everywhere."

"And you only got the letter yesterday?"

Edward waved a hand and said airily, "Oh, you know what Italians are like. In particular, their postal service. Ugh."

Bella, who didn't know at all, said, "Lucky we'd stopped in time."

He was silent for a second. Then: "I can't _believe_ the media were so interested in photos of my _hat_! What I wear is none of their business. I can't stand that sort of thing."

"Nope," Bella agreed, snuggling back into the crook of his arm and wishing he'd drop the subject.

But Edward wasn't done. "How on earth did they get them, anyway?"

"I've got no idea. Now shut up and watch the sunset with me," Bella said.

Edward obeyed.

As the sun sank beyond the horizon and the clouds glowed pink and orange, Bella made a mental note to purge her email account of certain messages and contacts and erase the memory on her digital camera. Just in case.

He would never know.

**The End.**


End file.
